Just, STOP!

Once again, disappointment. I don't know what I'm suppose to do anymore. Yea, you say its different with me, but really? Does it have to be different like THIS? Where i feel like you dont even want me there. I don't know what I'm suppose to do. If you need time to get use to me, being there, being YOURSELF around me, then tell me, and at least show that its progressing. The way you make me feel whenever I'm around you is: "She doesn't even want me here. She looks at all the other guys more than me. She talks to all the other guys more than me. She likes the other guys more than me. I shouldnt be here. I dont BELONG." Maybe i dont Lyn.. I dont know. But it really hurts to feel this way. To feel like you dont want me. Want me for yourself. Want me there with you. Want me for nothing else but another person labeled "Boyfriend" to be around you.

I want YOU to grab my hand and hold it sometimes.
I want YOU to kiss my cheek when you hug me sometimes.
I want YOU to call me when you want to without having 1 thought about "bothering me" sometimes
I want YOU to hug me, just to show me you care sometimes.
I want YOU to stop being so quiet when you see something is wrong with me, because your the only person that can actually make me talk. If not you, then nobody else. And i'll just stay quiet until YOU talk to me.
I want YOU to sit on my lap from time to time, instead of always sitting beside me, not even within range. Or with someone else while i'm alone, and decide to leave sometimes.
I want YOU to want me to stay whenever you see i'm leaving sometimes
I want YOU to want me to be there always.

I want.. things i might never have. Because things can only change if you do something about it.

I asked you to take this 0.01% risk for me.
But are you really?
It doesn't seem like it.

Today. You texted me saying your sorry for not saying "bye" because you were irritated.
One thing you need to understand about relationships is, no matter how mad or irritated you are, if you ever IGNORE your partner, things will go wrong. They'll think they've done something wrong. I mean, i know sometimes i get all quiet and serious. But the least i'll do is at least say goodbye, and kiss you on the cheek. So that you know not to worry and that the feeling will pass.

All i ever get from you is "I'm sorry.. bla bla" on TEXT messaging or on myspace.
Thats why i didnt even say "It's okay", because it isnt. AT ALL.

I was really annoyed. When i saw that picture of you, sofia, HUGO, and adam.
I mean, you decide to go do something after i leave?
You guys went with hugo instead of me.
Do you not want me there?
Arent I suppose to be your boyfriend?
So why is that you treat Hugo more like one than you do me?
I mean, you guys hardly hang out and chill. But when you do.
You talk to him more, you look at him more, and you pay attention to him more.
I'm not saying you like him, but damn. You dont even do that to me!

Like really. Im not being a bitch because i'm complaining that you dont give me enough attention.
Its like being a baby. If you dont give them enough attention, they'll feel NEGLECTED, and start to cry.
Im not crying, and i wont. But i'll get irritated.

How would you feel if i suddenly started doing to you, what you do to me?

Not say bye when im "irritated", not even glance up.
Apologize only through text or myspace.
Never call first
Never go up to you just because your surrounded by friends.
Be hella hella shy. and never change.

All i can do right now is hurt.
Because your not doing anything right now to make me feel any different.

I really hope things change. Because for me. Your not the only one taking a risk.
I just hope this risk doesnt break me where theres no coming back.

We'll see how things turn out. I'm hoping positive changes.

The End.

Last night. You told me you cared for me more than you did yourself. You told me you were willing to fight. The this morning. You told me just to "leave things". What the hell? Okay. So now I've just totally given up on everything. Time and time again you disappoint me.
I've always given myself a reason to give me hope that you'd change. I've been more patient with you than i've been with anyone else.

How stupid do you think i feel now? I put myself out there FOR YOU, i gave and gave and gave so you can finally be comfortable and be the same with me as your are to your friends. Yet i got NOTHING back. I wasnt even expecting much! All i wanted was at least a HINT of effort.
Do you know what i got back? NOTHING.

People tell me I'm trying too hard for you. People tell me just to give up. But you know what? I just let their words pass in and out of my head. And never thought about their words again. Do you want to know why? Because we got sooo close in so little time. We had an instant connection. That has NEVER happened to me before. This too was new for me. But look what i did. And look what you did. At least i put effort into this.

So much hurt. In these past 2 months, you've hurt me in a way nobody has ever hurt me before.

You want to know why else i feel so stupid on top of all this shit i've been taking from you?
Buying a new outfit, getting all worked up about the dance. Getting all excited for the night, because i would be with you and we WOULD have had a great night. I dressed up! I dont do that for girls. But i did for you. Because i wanted to be your date, and i didnt want any other guy having the honor of taking you. But what happened to all that? Nothing. Some people even realized how bad its been for me. But i didnt care. This WAS worth fighting for.

Up until you lied. We promised not to lie to each other.
You TOLD me you liked me a lot. Myspace. Comments. Through friends. Never in person. Never face to face. Then, you tell me again on myspace for the last time. And the next day, you suddenly "cant deal with this". YOU cant deal with this? How do you think I feel?! I wish you were put in my position. You would have told me those words within the first month.

I really and honestly thought things could change, and that you were the girl that was different.
You are different, but not the different i hoped.

I'm not sad about this. I don't deserve to be sad after what I've been through. I only regret trying so hard to make something work that wouldn't have. I wouldnt go back in time to change it, you just helped me realize that getting close to someone too quickly has a hurt in the end that could break you.

And at least because of you, I'm talking to my best friend again.
And for that, i thank you.

2 more days! can you believe that? Two more days til i asked you.
I wasnt expecting an answer right away, i just wanted you to know that we've gotten close enough that i felt strongly enough to ask. But yea.

So why dont YOU live your life the way you do.
Live your life
"with no worries"
Live your life
Wondering.
Live your life
Learning from this.
Live your life.

Realize.

I've been thinking. And my thoughts have lead me nowhere. I keep trying to keep giving myself reasons to hold on. But time after time you crush the only feelings that try to hold on. What do you expect me to do? I'll wait. But don't expect me to, if your going to be like this. You don't know how much this is killing me. You always act like everything is alright, that it will always get better. You know what? It won't. I wont always be superman. I can only handle so much. Even superman dies.
I honestly dont even know anymore.
Don't get me wrong. I'll wait, but give me SOMETHING. Anything! Something so i still know you care. Because lately? I've felt like a stranger. Someone who means absolutely nothing. I was so excited when everything started, and when things developed over time. But it seems like while time is passing by, you become more neglectful and more ignorant. Do NOT take me for granted, as much as i love you, i WILL NOT be here forever. There is a limited amount of times i can break til i shatter.
The one thing that really gets to me is: The only time you can ever change is when someone tells you to. Why can't you realize what's happening?
You can't say sorry all the time, you can't feel bad all the time because your doing something wrong.
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
All this time, you ALWAYS worry about what OTHER people will think, if you do something. I hardly cuss, especially when it has to do with you. But what the FUCK. who cares?! Who the fuck are they? You just have to realize that opinions dont matter, if you let them matter, then, its over.
You can't honestly believe this. I wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. Yet you walk away with a smile. Like its a game. You might think its cute, or think it just "nothing", but you know what? It changes EVERYTHING. Each time you think, "Oh, i'll do something different tomorrow", it will be too late. Things have already change, and they will CONTINUE to change if you don't step up.

Be the person i know you are. Don't let people hold you back.
Because if you don't.

I wont be here when you look for me.