Fucking hate bullshit

So, its been hella long since I've felt like this. Theres just hella problems right now, that are unimportant to the blind eye. If you read this, i dont care if you care, if you finish it, whatever. This blogspot is for me to vent, and for you to try and understand me.

So. Lets see. Lets start off with "feelings" for another individual.

I've been attracted to this girl, since i met her. Which wasnt that long ago. She likes someone who is like a brother to me. But my friend is talking to this other chick. The thing that pisses me off. IS, my friend, lets call him "bob", likes this girl. He knew, the girl that im attracted to, lets call her.. "Bell", way before me, right? Bob had this thing with Bell before i met her, and like, he only liked her for her looks. Sadly bell thought otherwise. Putting her feelings out there for Bob, but what did he do? He brings the "other" girl, lets call her "Dell", to a get together,leaving Bell feeling like a complete idiot. So heres where i come in. I meet Bell at a birthday party and it was Bob's friend's party, so i didnt know anybody. So Bell comes up to me and introduces herself. I think "Oh, what a beautiful lady", and that was all for now. Throughout the party Bell and i would mingle, and at one point, had a conversation about Bob. After that, we had this type of "connection". So i hit my head later that night, and woke up in my bed.

My other friend invites me to go to Marina with the people from the birthday party. But i feel completely like, NO. after hitting my head in front of everyone and knocking out, never will i show my face again. But, Bell texts me telling me to go. And im like, yenno what? Everyone has their embarrassing moment, yea? So i go. I meet a few new people at Marina, and everyone just has a blast. And for the second time, Bell and i mingle for long periods of time. Most about Bob. But on good occasions, about her, and myself. We took a walk around the trail together, just talking about our interests, and so on.

This is when im like, for sure that im attracted to this girl.

Sadly this is when it goes downhill. I begin to try to get Bell and Bob together, because i wanted to make Bell happy. Bob sometimes showed hints of wanting to talk to Bell, but a second later, he brings Dell. So both Bell and i are confused about EVERYTHING. At this point, im kinda getting mad at Bob. He has this Amazing girl in front of him, trying everything she can to get with him, because she feels that "connection" with him. But he only feels the "lust" of it all. A few days later, there is another celebration, where most of the people from the birthday party attend. Since the last visit to Marina, and walking the trail with Bell, we texted each other every day, just talking about random things, and BOB, of course, fml. But still, we got closer.

So at this celebration, i get there, seeing Bell's smiling face. She waves at me to come over, but i say hi to everyone first, to be polite, and to save the best hug for last. wink wink. I say hi to Bob, and May. (a friend), and a few other friends, then when im on my way to greet Bell, i see her walking toward me with her wide grin. We collide, hugging each other, and im confused now. The hug was "different", so i didnt know exactly what to feel. But that night, i just let her and Bob talk, because she was so intent of persuading Bob's heart to love her.

So i didnt really pay too much attention to Bell, but when we did talk, we had the shortest but most amazing talks.

FML, Bell and Bob disappear, and she tells me they were kissing and stuff. So im like, okey, i'll keep this attraction a secret til it goes away.

Thennnn, everyone goes back to Marina, with some more people. The night before, Bell and i were texting each other about this and that, and if Bob was going to bring Dell.

Sadly Bob decided to bring Dell, ad bell and i told each other we'd make the day at Marina fun, even though Bob was bringing Dell.

At marina, everyone gets there and has a good time. Bell and i werent really talking to each other too much, but yea. just doing our own thing having fun. We'd give "looks" to each other that would make me unsure of what she felt for me. But i brushed it off bc i knew she was trying to get with Bob. But 1 hour later, someone sets fire to one of the trees at marina. And we had to be "ejected" from marina for everyone's safety. We leave, and decide to go to camping.

We just have fun at the campsite, and when nightfall came, we all sat around the campfire listening to music and just laughing.

I then get a text telling me "I think im give up on Bob", i ask why, and she gives me her reasons.

"Sometimes, when you love someone, the best thing to do is let them go. If they are happy with what they are doing, that should be enough for us, yea?" i said to Bell.

She agreed, and we brushed off the problem, and just had a good time at the campfire.

We didnt talk too much one on one after that, but every time i looked up, she would give me this gaze, that would suck me in. I look down at the campfire, look up to see her beautiful eyes. "What to think, what to do", i tell myself. Im probably thinking its more than it is. Even so, i'll not soon forget the way she gazed at me, the way her eyes glowed with the campfire's reddish flames.

So. Even though thats only like 65% of the whole story, adding more would make things too obvious.

The reasons why im attracted to Bell:

- She is everything i look for in a girl.

- Shes super fit, and works out a lot to stay in shape

- Shes smart about decisions, and knows her responsibilities

- She loves the sports that i do, and is very athletic

- Has funny pronunciation that make me smile in an instant

- Can make me smile/laugh without even trying, for just being her

- Open about feelings

- Chill, likes to have fun

- Gorgeous Eyes.

- Shorter than me :P

- Knows whats best for things.

- Knows her limits

- Likes all types of music

- Brings out the best in bad situations.

- Asked me to walk with her down Marina and it was great.

- Gives me looks that leave me stunned

- Impossible to not notice

- Great smile

- Loves her family.

- Loyal to best friends

And i could go on and on. For the short amount of time I've gotten to know Bell, I've learned so much about her.

I dont know. she gives me these looks, and these hints that make my heart confused.

Its not a bad thing i guess. But also, my attraction to her is not a "Like like", its just an emotional and semi-physical attraction. I wont ever let myself like her, because for

1. She still likes Bob, im sure.

2. I dont know if she'd like someone like me. We mix, but i dont know if im just getting the vibes all wrong

3. Maybe she just looks at me like that for another reason.

4. She could probably find a better guy that suites her.

Andddd, i totally dont want to talk about my other problems. I only wrote about this one because i could change the story to where you might but probably dont, know the REAL story.

fuck bullshit.

i dont want to be confused.

and btw, when i said semi-physical attraction, its not because Bell has "cakes" or a "Rack", its because shes fit, has a beautiful smile, and wonderful Brown eyes. Like they're actually brown. Or are they? haha, have fun guessing.

Dedicated to Bell:

Beautiful Girl

Beautiful Heart

The two don't always go together

Neither, necessarily apart

A beautiful girl

You might come across every day

and you might feel an attraction

We're wired that way

But in time you know

what others eventually learn

It's a beautiful heart

that's better to earn

Because beauty only goes so far

and is skin deep

But a beautiful heart

is forever to keep

And long after beauty has faded

she'll likely remain jaded

Vanity in its place remains

seeking approval and gains

But a beautiful heart

grows in its grace

and gracefulness is its own beauty

and puts a smile on your face

When you see the eyes

and you look deep inside

you can see many things

that some may hide

A beautiful heart

is so hard to find

Treasure above priceless art

Inspire me to be kind

One special girl

will remind you of both

Beauty and a beautiful heart

and you'll gravitate to her from the start

She'll play on your soul

and she'll stay gentle on your mind

and you find yourself dreaming

'I wish somehow she was mine'

But of the two if you could so choose

a bet on which you can never lose

Choose the beautiful heart

Because that heart will melt away your blues

A beautiful heart will increase your joy

and increase your hope

and make you feel like a man

More than just a toy

If you find a girl with a beautiful heart

Give her love from the very start

Treat her kind and with dignity and care

and for you, she'll always be there

You that i can use somebody

I've been roaming around always lookin down..
I like that song.
But yea.. Dude. Things have been so.. complicated lately. I have no idea who i am as a person before. Its like i go back and forth from being hella grown to being very immature and incapable of caring for myself. Well, actually. lemme just vent.

So.. i dont know exact dates and stuff, but girlie and i broke up. I told her i needed time to think, because this one night was really dramatic where she got me really angry. I needed time away from her to think about certain things because the way she got me angry isnt fair. It isnt fair to put me through those kind of situations no matter who you are.
We got back together almost two weeks later, to try to resolve all these issues. But. it didnt work out so well, i started getting more and more irritated with her actions. We took a walk to her house to pick up her volleyball knee pads. and she asked me "Do you think you changed negatively lately?" And i told her yea, i've been feeling more irritated with you. And the convo went as far as us breaking up. It was a sad/chill conversation. But i had to put everything on the table, i couldnt just keep these things in anymore. Well yea. she currently staying with me, but as friends. Its been really tough though. We havet reached a week of being friends yet, but its like, we arent even friends anymore. Well,in the first place, she didnt want to be friends with me, she wanted to totally cut off connection with me when we broke up.

Its hard. i cant sleep right because she tries to hold in the tears and i can hear her choking them down. She spends a lot of time on the patio thinking to herself. crying. I mean, its hard to be there for someone that wants you out of their lives so it hurts less. Being here everytime she cries. and not being able to comfort her, because it'd hurt more. Its like. The episode of Smallville, where lana is infused with hella kryptonite and clark was kissing her, and he was dying, and she wanted to help, but the only thing to do to help, was to go far away.

Sigh. Kids, relationships are difficult. Be careful who you entrust your heart with.


On a lighter note, my heart is getting worse. lmao.
My arms are increasing in size, and also my body mass.
I'm cutting my hair off in 2 days, and i might or might not go to that picnic.
My left hand's pinky is acting weird.
and i dont really feel like typing.
so yea
bye