Thoughts

It's been a while.

2010-04-21T01:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've wrote here. And I don't really know what to say.

You know how I feel? It feels like I'm incapable of feeling. Like, I'm always [-_-], like neutral.

I can be happy for a bit, but then I'm back to that mood. or whatever it is.

I can be mad as hell, but after a few minutes I'll get over it, and go back to being neutral.

I just had a thought. I think I've been scared for so long, it's finally really affecting me.

Like. if you scratch yourself in the same spot for a long period of time, it leaves a scar and it stops hurting to scratch that spot because it get harder and harder. I guess its the same for my emotions. Being scared made me not feel anything but fear for song long, all my emotions went away with the fear.

You know, I want to cry. like, I dont feel like I'm about to cry, but I feel like i NEED to.

But I can't. I tried. I tried thinking about why. I tried thinking about things that would usually get tome, but nothing does.

I honestly don't know what to do. And I don't think anybody can help me.

Honestly you want to know how I feel?

I feel like I dont communicate with my sisters that much anymore.

I hardly talk to them. Ate Abbie, haven't talked to her in a while. I was driving to school and she was behind me, I waved, but I guess she didn't see me. Ate Shei, so busy with college and life, even at home we barley talk. Tata, we talk, but idk. It feels like we're all fading. or at least thats how I feel.

My Dad, got married. To a woman that didn't even take the time to get to know us. I went to their wedding, but not for her or "them", but because I support my Dad. I don't yet accept her as being "part of the family" and what can they expect, I don't even know her last name or the sound of her voice or how she is as a person. He doesn't talk to me much anymore, he spends a lot of time with her tho. It feels like she's replacing us, which is true for the most part.

He asked Tata why she doesn't call him a lot anymore, it wasn't because she doesn't want to talk or hang out, but it's because wherever he is, she is. I think Tata just wants to be alone and spend time with just her Father, and not that stranger that just joined the family without our approval. I can't blame her (Tata). I stopped going there (my Dad's place) when that chick moved in. She's bothersome to me.

My mom, idk. I'm not mad at her anymore. But I dont like her either. She still gets annoying from time to time, and I still get like UGH from the littlest things, but going from hating her to being neutral isnt at all a bad thing. Not much to say about her actually.

I really, really wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

I feel like I've lived my life already.

Like I'm so tired in the way an old man would be on his deathbed, without a care in the world, he just lays theres with his eyes closed, waiting for the end. Just tired.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or depressed or anything. Im just.. tired.

Ivan gave me some good advice tonight. It kind of made me think "WOW, I'm so broken."

He told me I don't have that something that can put a smile on my face no matter how tough my day is. And thats true. I don't. and that's sad (but I'm not sad about it.)

I think what I really need the most, is to FEEL real emotion. True sadness, True happiness, True anger, to make me realize again that I really am alive, and I really am going through this, and I really am getting through it all. I guess in a way, my mind is living my life in the 3rd person. Like my life is a movie, and I'm just watching the screen as I live it. I guess thats how I really feel. And I'm glad I just realized that from typing.

You know, right now I can actually feel hurt. Like, I'm tearing up kind of hurt. It feels great to feel this, but like. duh it's sad. aha. Even so, now I'm neutral, only after 6 seconds of feeling that sadness. and so you see, that is my problem. I can't feel for long periods of time. And I don't know why.

Another one. Yet again.

2009-09-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

Lets see. Here we go again with the feelings. That are totally unnecessary. Where should we start.

I've known you for how long? But up until a few weeks ago, i didnt know you know you. You know?
Its been great spending time with you, talking about this and that. Being absolutely random, and just having a laugh. Why is it, i start feeling the most random people? Out of everyone i know, i started feeling you after a few weeks of knowing, knowing you. Why did THAT have to happen.
You know? I tried ignoring you. I tried avoiding passing you in the hallways, seeing you after school. But for some reason, i couldnt. Why? Who knows. But my plan failed. lol. Obviously.

Do you remember that day? You came over, and we talked about some things? We were just on my bed, just talking about everything. That was the ONLY day you ever seemed REALLY comfortable, cause usually, you look uncomfortable. But that was a chill ass day, just cause we got to talk about this and that. Theres one thing i love about you, and its that nothing ever has to be weird. No matter what we talk about. Because we talk about the most random things, if you know what i mean :P But seriously. GRR.

You know what i hate? Having to blog about this shit. Because i dont really want to tell anybody about it. Haha. And you know what i hate? Everytime i blog, it has to be about a damn girl. Or about damn feelings. Fucking hate it.

Just to get this out of my head, you know why im so attracted to you?
You are TOTALLY not my type. I dont even have a type, but i already know you wouldnt be even if i had one. But the thing with that is. You're hella real and open with me. Any girl that can be open with me AND listen to my words, and can actually HEAR what i have to say, is so, idk. Hard to find. lol. You're hella weird, and we dont even have to talk for me to smile. Its hella awkward, but not at the same time, being around you. Only because of a few things. But its all good :)
You always have something to talk about, something to laugh about, something to smile about. And i love that. No matter what you're going through, or what you've been through, you can always smile at the end of the day. A girl that has that much resilience, is just so hard to find these days. There are so many people that look at you for looks, or "how you are", but i see the whole other part of you. You always felt comfortable telling me almost everything, after only a few weeks of talking to me, as a friend of course.

I told you i dont want to be attracted to you, for reasons I've already told you. I kept telling you that i wasnt attracted to you, because i didnt want things to be weird, or i didnt want to mess up by doing something. But you know what? I lied. I was attracted to you, the moment we had that talk in my room. I dont know what it is about you. May it be your personality, your laugh, your smile, or the happiness you always carry with you. The way i=you dont give a fuck sometimes, and you're smart about things. You take advice, but put your own thoughts about it too. I dont know. I really noticed your laugh, lol, not to sound weird or anything. People are attracted to looks, smiles, eyes, anything really. Your laugh, smile, and eyes got me! I hate how it turned out like this, even after trying so hard to fight these emotions.

You know how its a little weird when we talk about that guy, because i talk as if i dont feel anything for you? Its true. Its a little weird. But have you noticed im the one who usually brings him up? For two reasons. One, to help you out with him. Two, to convince my damn heart to stfu about all this crap, and to realize, the struggle isnt worth it, if in the end, there'll be nothing there. Im not saying you arent worth fighting for, its more like, is the pain to getting that point going to be worth it in the end?

Who knows.
Today, I gave myself reasons to not be attracted to you.
The fact that there are "so many other guys" out there, was a big one. I can trust you of course, but why is it you have to notice so many people? Its like you cant have your eye on ONE person. Its hard to think about shit like that, because what if a good looking guy comes along, and with the way you are, what will happen? Do you remember what happened that night you came over? You and i are the same because we are both accidental flirts. And its scary to be attracted to someone like me, because I'll be hella paranoid about this and that.
One reason i get so quiet at school is because of that reason. Because sometime i'd get people confessing that they like me because of "how nice i am to them", and how i make their days. Its just me being NICE. Nothing else, but apparently people take it the wrong way.

You know, there isnt even an end point to what i just wrote.
Im listening to "The longest story by Daphne love Derby" Its a very thoughtful song.

I dont really know what to think about right now. For sure, i need to get you out of my head.
Because it isnt helping :P
Im trying to hook you up with my friend! How funny is that?

But if you ever read this, dont feel bad. This blog is for me to vent, and to get shit off my chest. Not to be felt sorry for. If you tell me you feel bad about this, I'll be like -_-

You are someone i could never have thought of being attracted to. But i am. I've tried to fight these feelings, so i wouldnt feel this way. But we cant just forget about feelings. We can't choose who we fall for. And i hate that. I fall for the most random girl that I've known since EMS. What kind of shit is that? We're complete opposites, but when its me and you, i can totally be myself. Thats a big thing in my book.

Lets see how long i can keep these feelings on the DL.
One of these days, im going to tell you, i know that for sure. I already know how strong these feelings can get, just from how close we've gotten in such a short time, and the way we are toward each other. I just hope by that time, i can get rid of this. Forget about it. Something.

We are both the type that are used to being chased after, not doing the chasing.
Pretend you do start feeling me.
What'll happen if we're both waiting to be chased after, but its not in our personality to do the chasing?

You got me into that whole zodiac sign crap. And it wasnt surprising what our compatibility was.

Sometimes that zodiac thing is wrong. But sometimes, it is right.

For now, all i can do, is stay away, but be here for you when you need me to at the same time.
When we were on the fone, and i told you that i love how i realize shit hella randomly but that the right time. I realized i WAS attracted to you, and that the feelings WERE getting stronger, but i realized that in time to try to do something about it. So i dont have to put either of us through any bullshit.

You're a strong girl. You dont need a man to make you feel whole, and im glad you know that. I just hope you can apply it completely, before you fall for another one of his lies. You dont deserve to be put through that bullshit. You shouldnt wait for that guy to change, when obviously he's not even trying to. You dont need to cry, and i'll be that shoulder to cry on, and hopefully that'll be all i am.

Im a complicated person, like i've said before. I'll only make shit even more complicated if i keep this up. Dont hate me if we start talking less and less. Im doing us both a favor :)

Fucking hate bullshit

2009-07-28T01:26:00.001-07:00

So, its been hella long since I've felt like this. Theres just hella problems right now, that are unimportant to the blind eye. If you read this, i dont care if you care, if you finish it, whatever. This blogspot is for me to vent, and for you to try and understand me.

So. Lets see. Lets start off with "feelings" for another individual.

I've been attracted to this girl, since i met her. Which wasnt that long ago. She likes someone who is like a brother to me. But my friend is talking to this other chick. The thing that pisses me off. IS, my friend, lets call him "bob", likes this girl. He knew, the girl that im attracted to, lets call her.. "Bell", way before me, right? Bob had this thing with Bell before i met her, and like, he only liked her for her looks. Sadly bell thought otherwise. Putting her feelings out there for Bob, but what did he do? He brings the "other" girl, lets call her "Dell", to a get together,leaving Bell feeling like a complete idiot. So heres where i come in. I meet Bell at a birthday party and it was Bob's friend's party, so i didnt know anybody. So Bell comes up to me and introduces herself. I think "Oh, what a beautiful lady", and that was all for now. Throughout the party Bell and i would mingle, and at one point, had a conversation about Bob. After that, we had this type of "connection". So i hit my head later that night, and woke up in my bed.

My other friend invites me to go to Marina with the people from the birthday party. But i feel completely like, NO. after hitting my head in front of everyone and knocking out, never will i show my face again. But, Bell texts me telling me to go. And im like, yenno what? Everyone has their embarrassing moment, yea? So i go. I meet a few new people at Marina, and everyone just has a blast. And for the second time, Bell and i mingle for long periods of time. Most about Bob. But on good occasions, about her, and myself. We took a walk around the trail together, just talking about our interests, and so on.

This is when im like, for sure that im attracted to this girl.

Sadly this is when it goes downhill. I begin to try to get Bell and Bob together, because i wanted to make Bell happy. Bob sometimes showed hints of wanting to talk to Bell, but a second later, he brings Dell. So both Bell and i are confused about EVERYTHING. At this point, im kinda getting mad at Bob. He has this Amazing girl in front of him, trying everything she can to get with him, because she feels that "connection" with him. But he only feels the "lust" of it all. A few days later, there is another celebration, where most of the people from the birthday party attend. Since the last visit to Marina, and walking the trail with Bell, we texted each other every day, just talking about random things, and BOB, of course, fml. But still, we got closer.

So at this celebration, i get there, seeing Bell's smiling face. She waves at me to come over, but i say hi to everyone first, to be polite, and to save the best hug for last. wink wink. I say hi to Bob, and May. (a friend), and a few other friends, then when im on my way to greet Bell, i see her walking toward me with her wide grin. We collide, hugging each other, and im confused now. The hug was "different", so i didnt know exactly what to feel. But that night, i just let her and Bob talk, because she was so intent of persuading Bob's heart to love her.

So i didnt really pay too much attention to Bell, but when we did talk, we had the shortest but most amazing talks.

FML, Bell and Bob disappear, and she tells me they were kissing and stuff. So im like, okey, i'll keep this attraction a secret til it goes away.

Thennnn, everyone goes back to Marina, with some more people. The night before, Bell and i were texting each other about this and that, and if Bob was going to bring Dell.

Sadly Bob decided to bring Dell, ad bell and i told each other we'd make the day at Marina fun, even though Bob was bringing Dell.

At marina, everyone gets there and has a good time. Bell and i werent really talking to each other too much, but yea. just doing our own thing having fun. We'd give "looks" to each other that would make me unsure of what she felt for me. But i brushed it off bc i knew she was trying to get with Bob. But 1 hour later, someone sets fire to one of the trees at marina. And we had to be "ejected" from marina for everyone's safety. We leave, and decide to go to camping.

We just have fun at the campsite, and when nightfall came, we all sat around the campfire listening to music and just laughing.

I then get a text telling me "I think im give up on Bob", i ask why, and she gives me her reasons.

"Sometimes, when you love someone, the best thing to do is let them go. If they are happy with what they are doing, that should be enough for us, yea?" i said to Bell.

She agreed, and we brushed off the problem, and just had a good time at the campfire.

We didnt talk too much one on one after that, but every time i looked up, she would give me this gaze, that would suck me in. I look down at the campfire, look up to see her beautiful eyes. "What to think, what to do", i tell myself. Im probably thinking its more than it is. Even so, i'll not soon forget the way she gazed at me, the way her eyes glowed with the campfire's reddish flames.

So. Even though thats only like 65% of the whole story, adding more would make things too obvious.

The reasons why im attracted to Bell:

- She is everything i look for in a girl.

- Shes super fit, and works out a lot to stay in shape

- Shes smart about decisions, and knows her responsibilities

- She loves the sports that i do, and is very athletic

- Has funny pronunciation that make me smile in an instant

- Can make me smile/laugh without even trying, for just being her

- Open about feelings

- Chill, likes to have fun

- Gorgeous Eyes.

- Shorter than me :P

- Knows whats best for things.

- Knows her limits

- Likes all types of music

- Brings out the best in bad situations.

- Asked me to walk with her down Marina and it was great.

- Gives me looks that leave me stunned

- Impossible to not notice

- Great smile

- Loves her family.

- Loyal to best friends

And i could go on and on. For the short amount of time I've gotten to know Bell, I've learned so much about her.

I dont know. she gives me these looks, and these hints that make my heart confused.

Its not a bad thing i guess. But also, my attraction to her is not a "Like like", its just an emotional and semi-physical attraction. I wont ever let myself like her, because for

1. She still likes Bob, im sure.

2. I dont know if she'd like someone like me. We mix, but i dont know if im just getting the vibes all wrong

3. Maybe she just looks at me like that for another reason.

4. She could probably find a better guy that suites her.

Andddd, i totally dont want to talk about my other problems. I only wrote about this one because i could change the story to where you might but probably dont, know the REAL story.

fuck bullshit.

i dont want to be confused.

and btw, when i said semi-physical attraction, its not because Bell has "cakes" or a "Rack", its because shes fit, has a beautiful smile, and wonderful Brown eyes. Like they're actually brown. Or are they? haha, have fun guessing.

Dedicated to Bell:

Beautiful Girl

Beautiful Heart

The two don't always go together

Neither, necessarily apart

A beautiful girl

You might come across every day

and you might feel an attraction

We're wired that way

But in time you know

what others eventually learn

It's a beautiful heart

that's better to earn

Because beauty only goes so far

and is skin deep

But a beautiful heart

is forever to keep

And long after beauty has faded

she'll likely remain jaded

Vanity in its place remains

seeking approval and gains

But a beautiful heart

grows in its grace

and gracefulness is its own beauty

and puts a smile on your face

When you see the eyes

and you look deep inside

you can see many things

that some may hide

A beautiful heart

is so hard to find

Treasure above priceless art

Inspire me to be kind

One special girl

will remind you of both

Beauty and a beautiful heart

and you'll gravitate to her from the start

She'll play on your soul

and she'll stay gentle on your mind

and you find yourself dreaming

'I wish somehow she was mine'

But of the two if you could so choose

a bet on which you can never lose

Choose the beautiful heart

Because that heart will melt away your blues

A beautiful heart will increase your joy

and increase your hope

and make you feel like a man

More than just a toy

If you find a girl with a beautiful heart

Give her love from the very start

Treat her kind and with dignity and care

and for you, she'll always be there

You that i can use somebody

2009-07-11T01:54:00.000-07:00

I've been roaming around always lookin down..
I like that song.
But yea.. Dude. Things have been so.. complicated lately. I have no idea who i am as a person before. Its like i go back and forth from being hella grown to being very immature and incapable of caring for myself. Well, actually. lemme just vent.

So.. i dont know exact dates and stuff, but girlie and i broke up. I told her i needed time to think, because this one night was really dramatic where she got me really angry. I needed time away from her to think about certain things because the way she got me angry isnt fair. It isnt fair to put me through those kind of situations no matter who you are.
We got back together almost two weeks later, to try to resolve all these issues. But. it didnt work out so well, i started getting more and more irritated with her actions. We took a walk to her house to pick up her volleyball knee pads. and she asked me "Do you think you changed negatively lately?" And i told her yea, i've been feeling more irritated with you. And the convo went as far as us breaking up. It was a sad/chill conversation. But i had to put everything on the table, i couldnt just keep these things in anymore. Well yea. she currently staying with me, but as friends. Its been really tough though. We havet reached a week of being friends yet, but its like, we arent even friends anymore. Well,in the first place, she didnt want to be friends with me, she wanted to totally cut off connection with me when we broke up.

Its hard. i cant sleep right because she tries to hold in the tears and i can hear her choking them down. She spends a lot of time on the patio thinking to herself. crying. I mean, its hard to be there for someone that wants you out of their lives so it hurts less. Being here everytime she cries. and not being able to comfort her, because it'd hurt more. Its like. The episode of Smallville, where lana is infused with hella kryptonite and clark was kissing her, and he was dying, and she wanted to help, but the only thing to do to help, was to go far away.

Sigh. Kids, relationships are difficult. Be careful who you entrust your heart with.

On a lighter note, my heart is getting worse. lmao.
My arms are increasing in size, and also my body mass.
I'm cutting my hair off in 2 days, and i might or might not go to that picnic.
My left hand's pinky is acting weird.
and i dont really feel like typing.
so yea
bye

Kite Runner

2009-06-17T00:59:00.001-07:00

I recently watched a movie in my history class called "The Kite Runner", its a movie about friendship, loyalty, guilt, and redemption. I first thought this was just going to be another sad story about kids suffering in Afghanistan, but in the first 15 minutes, i was sucked in. It really showed me what a good friend really is. and how much loyalty plays a part in the friendship. As much as a friend can be good to you, there are friends that don't deserve the loyalty that you give to them. "You are willing to do so much for him, but have you ever thought that if he was put in your position, he would do the same for you?" I've always been like this, no matter what kind of friend i have. Some friends went behind my back, and even stole things from me; right in front of me too! But thats a risk you'll have to make to be a good person. Some people you try to be-friend, just dont realize how important friendships are, and they ruin it.
On another subject. Watching this movie, saddened me in many ways. But most of all, it saddens me to know that these kinds of incidents happen in our world. The children of our future suffer because of the stupid mistakes we make. Why do they have to go through all this drama, and they havent even been able live a good life yet. Havent experienced growing up, responsibility, love, happiness. Its insane to know what happens to kids these days, the malevolent things adults do. How do people complain about a hard life; wishing for a better world, when they do absolutely nothing to make the world a better place? As for me, i try to do my part as a resident of Earth, to do what i can, to help. Little things count, always. One day, you might think that littering just a little candy wrapper wont hurt anyone, think again. You're wrong, it hurts everyone. Just take those 3 seconds and just stick it in your pocket, then throw it away when you get home. Im no environmentalist, but i am one of those millions of people who care about what happens to the young people that will live in the world we leave them.
If you think what i'm talking about is nonsense, watch this movie, read this book. THEN tell me if you think what i've said is worthless.
As Coach Wright always says during warm-ups - "If you dont do it, they wont."

Come Home..

2009-03-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

Something died in me today..
3 days before our 4 month anniversary babe.. :(
i dont know whats going on right now.
This isnt just another relationship to me, it was the best one i've ever been in. im sad to say its over, and who knows. Maybe breaking up was the best thing for you. or it will be in the long run. Maybe our relationship has made you stronger as a person. Hopefully its had a positive influence on you.

The mini blog i wrote the last time i was on myspace, maybe it had some truth to it.

"I ve been traveling on this road too long
Just trying to find my way back home
The old me is dead and gone.

No more stray,
now im straight,
now I get it,
now I take
Time to think,
before I make
mistakes just for my family’s sake
That part of me left yesterday
the heart of me is strong today
No regrets
im blessed to say
the old me is dead and gone away.

Here i am again, writing on myspace. I cant seem to find a way to hold on to things. Everything slips through my fingers, even when i put all the effort in my soul to hold on to it. Is it destined for me to never be able to hold on to things? Am i at fault for not holding on a little harder? I dont know.
Recently, I've been thinking about every aspect of life. It feels like i know exactly what and what not to do with my life, Just goes to show how naive and ignorant i really am. Is it wrong for me to question myself? Not because i doubt my decisions, but to make sure nothing can go wrong from what i do? I dont like second guessing myself, but, it feels right to make sure its the right thing to do. BUT, one thing i've learned is, make a choice, and let life run its course, think about it, but dont think about it yenno? Make sure you know what youre doing, but dont over think it so that you postpone it or end up changing your mind.
I have no idead what im typing about. Its all a bunch of rubbish spilling out of my head.
To be honest, i'm feeling emotional-ish. I think its these songs, but yea. I dont know. Today was hard. I almost broke a bit. I cant explain this feeling. Maybe i've realized something, and havent even realized i've done so.
Im desperate to live."

Maybe thats true. i cant hold on to things. Or people really important to me. But i wont regret whats happened. We made our choice. Lets see what life does with it. I really hope you dont do anything stupid, or anything unsafe. If you still plan to leave to your brother's, dont go at night like your stubborn self would do..
Be safe.
Im sad that we couldnt talk like this properly. But maybe its best not to even try.

Even though we've broken up, and our friendship might not be the same; what i told you then, still applies, even now.

For you i will.

Just be safe babe, take care of yourself.
Its been a good 4 months. Great. Even with the arguments. I loved every second of it. Just because i got to go through them with you.

Sometimes i just dont get it.

2009-01-22T22:37:00.000-08:00

Today was such a great day. Last school day of these boring classes.
Second block was pretty much a free period, since we took our final on monday. I worked on my extra credit for my math class. It was pretty boring. Armando brought his Xbox and played games with everyone, and the teacher put a bootleg "Grand Torino" on.
Me, i just listened to music and did my work. Finished at 11:10am, and took a 10 minute nap.
After, i went to girlie's class like usual, and she was making this thing for her keychain. That took like. 10 min. After, we went to C hall, and took care of some business.
I was kind of getting impatient because we made stops every second, ahving to say hi and conversate with every single person we knew. So yea, we spent a lot of time in B5, i think, because Ms. Wyrm was taking to her and Lyla.
I needed to go to F hall, but they kept talking and i was just like urg.
When we got to F hall, i talked to my sister for a quick sec, then came back out. Had a 2 min talk with Brian M. and left. We walked toward the lunch cart, but once again we had to stop so girlie could talk to Brenda. I got kind of fed up stopping all the time.
I asked her "What class do you have?", because the bell just rang, but she didnt hear me and was about to go talk to someone else. I just like, held onto her hand and pulled her back. And she had a shocked look on her face, i guess i was too aggressive. I said "What class do you have.", and she said "E-2." We walked through D-Hall in silence, and she asked me "Why are you being a bitch?", i didnt get why she asked me that, but yea. I just let go of her hand and we were walking side by side, til we got to her class. We didnt hug or kiss or anything, just said "bye", and left.

4th Block, i was silent the whole block. I kept messing up my final because we had that little argument. Thats all i could think about. I think i took the longest on the test even though im the most advanced in that class. It was hard thinking of all these numbers when you have this argument bugging you. Anyway, when it was 15 min til 2, i listened to my iPod and thought to myself "We're going to be apart for 4 days! I cant have this argument with her!" So the bell rang, i walked slower than usual to the locker, and got there a few seconds before she did. My ipod was on blast, and i looked up at her, we were both silent. Then i hugged her, and this HUGE smile stretched across her face, and she started talking about the pig disection. It was cute how juiced she was.

We went over to my place, some 1 on 1 time.
We ordered some chinese food and watched movies.
We went downstairs bc my sister came home and made things kind of awkward, and watched this movie about vampires. We were just cupcaking the whole time, and when her brother called to tell her he was close by, i got all whiney.
She was drinking water and SPIT on me! and then somehow we got into this spit fight.
It was fun, but i used hella paper towels to clean it up.

Her bro came and picked her up, and we said bye.
This was at like 5:30 ish?
skipping to 10:30pm
she calls me, we talk about this thing about going to the movies, and she gets mad at me.
I hang up, she says not to call her for the rest of the weekend.

Sometimes i dont know what to do.
i was just asking a simple question.
and YES, of course it would bother me if a guy asked you out to the movies, but i wasnt asking if it bothered you that she asked me. I was asking if SHE really bothers you. because sometimes you JOKE around about her, and other times you're SERIOUS. so its hard for me to know. but you started flipping out, and now we wont talk for the rest of the weekend.

Gay.
I hope you have a fun weekend with your bro babe, i know all i'll be doing is thinking.
Just know this is just another bump.

ALLAH.

bye.

Laughing at myself.

2009-01-20T17:53:00.000-08:00

I look back to my previous posts. How i let such stupid things get to me. Even if its only been a few months since I've posted those, it feels like i've aged so much. I love how i can grow up so quickly, but at the same time i hate it. Because i cant go back to being the guy i use to be before. Where i could mess around and not worry about everything i worry about now. Responsibilities. Emotions. My partner. My family; thats currently getting shattered.

I wish i could just relive the best parts of my life. It makes me sad to try and reminisce because i know that thing will never be the same as they were before. Everyone is changing. Where there is change, there are voids. Everything changes eventually. And so do people. I dont even talk to my closest friends anymore.

On another note:
Today was chill. I guess. Even with the drama from 12 am- 2 am this morning. The day went by quick, and i did so much work. Even if its finals week, i feel great. After school, Girlie wanted to chill with someone alone, so yenno. Gave her her space. Chilled with Tyler, Jerik, And Monica.
Lmao. Tyler is hella funny. holy shit.

Anyway, but hand is hurting. Hopefully i get this cast off next friday.
eeew.

Later.

Just, STOP!

2008-10-25T00:42:00.000-07:00

Once again, disappointment. I don't know what I'm suppose to do anymore. Yea, you say its different with me, but really? Does it have to be different like THIS? Where i feel like you dont even want me there. I don't know what I'm suppose to do. If you need time to get use to me, being there, being YOURSELF around me, then tell me, and at least show that its progressing. The way you make me feel whenever I'm around you is: "She doesn't even want me here. She looks at all the other guys more than me. She talks to all the other guys more than me. She likes the other guys more than me. I shouldnt be here. I dont BELONG." Maybe i dont Lyn.. I dont know. But it really hurts to feel this way. To feel like you dont want me. Want me for yourself. Want me there with you. Want me for nothing else but another person labeled "Boyfriend" to be around you.

I want YOU to grab my hand and hold it sometimes.
I want YOU to kiss my cheek when you hug me sometimes.
I want YOU to call me when you want to without having 1 thought about "bothering me" sometimes
I want YOU to hug me, just to show me you care sometimes.
I want YOU to stop being so quiet when you see something is wrong with me, because your the only person that can actually make me talk. If not you, then nobody else. And i'll just stay quiet until YOU talk to me.
I want YOU to sit on my lap from time to time, instead of always sitting beside me, not even within range. Or with someone else while i'm alone, and decide to leave sometimes.
I want YOU to want me to stay whenever you see i'm leaving sometimes
I want YOU to want me to be there always.

I want.. things i might never have. Because things can only change if you do something about it.

I asked you to take this 0.01% risk for me.
But are you really?
It doesn't seem like it.

Today. You texted me saying your sorry for not saying "bye" because you were irritated.
One thing you need to understand about relationships is, no matter how mad or irritated you are, if you ever IGNORE your partner, things will go wrong. They'll think they've done something wrong. I mean, i know sometimes i get all quiet and serious. But the least i'll do is at least say goodbye, and kiss you on the cheek. So that you know not to worry and that the feeling will pass.

All i ever get from you is "I'm sorry.. bla bla" on TEXT messaging or on myspace.
Thats why i didnt even say "It's okay", because it isnt. AT ALL.

I was really annoyed. When i saw that picture of you, sofia, HUGO, and adam.
I mean, you decide to go do something after i leave?
You guys went with hugo instead of me.
Do you not want me there?
Arent I suppose to be your boyfriend?
So why is that you treat Hugo more like one than you do me?
I mean, you guys hardly hang out and chill. But when you do.
You talk to him more, you look at him more, and you pay attention to him more.
I'm not saying you like him, but damn. You dont even do that to me!

Like really. Im not being a bitch because i'm complaining that you dont give me enough attention.
Its like being a baby. If you dont give them enough attention, they'll feel NEGLECTED, and start to cry.
Im not crying, and i wont. But i'll get irritated.

How would you feel if i suddenly started doing to you, what you do to me?

Not say bye when im "irritated", not even glance up.
Apologize only through text or myspace.
Never call first
Never go up to you just because your surrounded by friends.
Be hella hella shy. and never change.

All i can do right now is hurt.
Because your not doing anything right now to make me feel any different.

I really hope things change. Because for me. Your not the only one taking a risk.
I just hope this risk doesnt break me where theres no coming back.

We'll see how things turn out. I'm hoping positive changes.

The End.

2008-10-19T15:53:00.000-07:00

Last night. You told me you cared for me more than you did yourself. You told me you were willing to fight. The this morning. You told me just to "leave things". What the hell? Okay. So now I've just totally given up on everything. Time and time again you disappoint me.
I've always given myself a reason to give me hope that you'd change. I've been more patient with you than i've been with anyone else.

How stupid do you think i feel now? I put myself out there FOR YOU, i gave and gave and gave so you can finally be comfortable and be the same with me as your are to your friends. Yet i got NOTHING back. I wasnt even expecting much! All i wanted was at least a HINT of effort.
Do you know what i got back? NOTHING.

People tell me I'm trying too hard for you. People tell me just to give up. But you know what? I just let their words pass in and out of my head. And never thought about their words again. Do you want to know why? Because we got sooo close in so little time. We had an instant connection. That has NEVER happened to me before. This too was new for me. But look what i did. And look what you did. At least i put effort into this.

So much hurt. In these past 2 months, you've hurt me in a way nobody has ever hurt me before.

You want to know why else i feel so stupid on top of all this shit i've been taking from you?
Buying a new outfit, getting all worked up about the dance. Getting all excited for the night, because i would be with you and we WOULD have had a great night. I dressed up! I dont do that for girls. But i did for you. Because i wanted to be your date, and i didnt want any other guy having the honor of taking you. But what happened to all that? Nothing. Some people even realized how bad its been for me. But i didnt care. This WAS worth fighting for.

Up until you lied. We promised not to lie to each other.
You TOLD me you liked me a lot. Myspace. Comments. Through friends. Never in person. Never face to face. Then, you tell me again on myspace for the last time. And the next day, you suddenly "cant deal with this". YOU cant deal with this? How do you think I feel?! I wish you were put in my position. You would have told me those words within the first month.

I really and honestly thought things could change, and that you were the girl that was different.
You are different, but not the different i hoped.

I'm not sad about this. I don't deserve to be sad after what I've been through. I only regret trying so hard to make something work that wouldn't have. I wouldnt go back in time to change it, you just helped me realize that getting close to someone too quickly has a hurt in the end that could break you.

And at least because of you, I'm talking to my best friend again.
And for that, i thank you.

2 more days! can you believe that? Two more days til i asked you.
I wasnt expecting an answer right away, i just wanted you to know that we've gotten close enough that i felt strongly enough to ask. But yea.

So why dont YOU live your life the way you do.
Live your life
"with no worries"
Live your life
Wondering.
Live your life
Learning from this.
Live your life.

Realize.

2008-10-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking. And my thoughts have lead me nowhere. I keep trying to keep giving myself reasons to hold on. But time after time you crush the only feelings that try to hold on. What do you expect me to do? I'll wait. But don't expect me to, if your going to be like this. You don't know how much this is killing me. You always act like everything is alright, that it will always get better. You know what? It won't. I wont always be superman. I can only handle so much. Even superman dies.
I honestly dont even know anymore.
Don't get me wrong. I'll wait, but give me SOMETHING. Anything! Something so i still know you care. Because lately? I've felt like a stranger. Someone who means absolutely nothing. I was so excited when everything started, and when things developed over time. But it seems like while time is passing by, you become more neglectful and more ignorant. Do NOT take me for granted, as much as i love you, i WILL NOT be here forever. There is a limited amount of times i can break til i shatter.
The one thing that really gets to me is: The only time you can ever change is when someone tells you to. Why can't you realize what's happening?
You can't say sorry all the time, you can't feel bad all the time because your doing something wrong.
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
All this time, you ALWAYS worry about what OTHER people will think, if you do something. I hardly cuss, especially when it has to do with you. But what the FUCK. who cares?! Who the fuck are they? You just have to realize that opinions dont matter, if you let them matter, then, its over.
You can't honestly believe this. I wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. Yet you walk away with a smile. Like its a game. You might think its cute, or think it just "nothing", but you know what? It changes EVERYTHING. Each time you think, "Oh, i'll do something different tomorrow", it will be too late. Things have already change, and they will CONTINUE to change if you don't step up.

Be the person i know you are. Don't let people hold you back.
Because if you don't.

I wont be here when you look for me.