You know how I feel? It feels like I'm incapable of feeling. Like, I'm always [-_-], like neutral.
I can be happy for a bit, but then I'm back to that mood. or whatever it is.
I can be mad as hell, but after a few minutes I'll get over it, and go back to being neutral.
I just had a thought. I think I've been scared for so long, it's finally really affecting me.
Like. if you scratch yourself in the same spot for a long period of time, it leaves a scar and it stops hurting to scratch that spot because it get harder and harder. I guess its the same for my emotions. Being scared made me not feel anything but fear for song long, all my emotions went away with the fear.
You know, I want to cry. like, I dont feel like I'm about to cry, but I feel like i NEED to.
But I can't. I tried. I tried thinking about why. I tried thinking about things that would usually get tome, but nothing does.
I honestly don't know what to do. And I don't think anybody can help me.
Honestly you want to know how I feel?
I feel like I dont communicate with my sisters that much anymore.
I hardly talk to them. Ate Abbie, haven't talked to her in a while. I was driving to school and she was behind me, I waved, but I guess she didn't see me. Ate Shei, so busy with college and life, even at home we barley talk. Tata, we talk, but idk. It feels like we're all fading. or at least thats how I feel.
My Dad, got married. To a woman that didn't even take the time to get to know us. I went to their wedding, but not for her or "them", but because I support my Dad. I don't yet accept her as being "part of the family" and what can they expect, I don't even know her last name or the sound of her voice or how she is as a person. He doesn't talk to me much anymore, he spends a lot of time with her tho. It feels like she's replacing us, which is true for the most part.
He asked Tata why she doesn't call him a lot anymore, it wasn't because she doesn't want to talk or hang out, but it's because wherever he is, she is. I think Tata just wants to be alone and spend time with just her Father, and not that stranger that just joined the family without our approval. I can't blame her (Tata). I stopped going there (my Dad's place) when that chick moved in. She's bothersome to me.
My mom, idk. I'm not mad at her anymore. But I dont like her either. She still gets annoying from time to time, and I still get like UGH from the littlest things, but going from hating her to being neutral isnt at all a bad thing. Not much to say about her actually.
I really, really wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.
I feel like I've lived my life already.
Like I'm so tired in the way an old man would be on his deathbed, without a care in the world, he just lays theres with his eyes closed, waiting for the end. Just tired.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or depressed or anything. Im just.. tired.
Ivan gave me some good advice tonight. It kind of made me think "WOW, I'm so broken."
He told me I don't have that something that can put a smile on my face no matter how tough my day is. And thats true. I don't. and that's sad (but I'm not sad about it.)
I think what I really need the most, is to FEEL real emotion. True sadness, True happiness, True anger, to make me realize again that I really am alive, and I really am going through this, and I really am getting through it all. I guess in a way, my mind is living my life in the 3rd person. Like my life is a movie, and I'm just watching the screen as I live it. I guess thats how I really feel. And I'm glad I just realized that from typing.
You know, right now I can actually feel hurt. Like, I'm tearing up kind of hurt. It feels great to feel this, but like. duh it's sad. aha. Even so, now I'm neutral, only after 6 seconds of feeling that sadness. and so you see, that is my problem. I can't feel for long periods of time. And I don't know why.
